happy hashi

so it’s been a while… a few briefs since i was last around:
- our play has opened and closed. very well received.
- i have a boyfriend (and he’s amazing)
- looks like i wont be doing the winter show. that sucks
- i’ve gained weight. gross.
- i STILL haven’t gotten my fucking license because the day i was supposed to, i had to meet with the dean of students and ended up getting suspended.
- i quit smoking.
- i’ve cooled it with the alc.

i hate to have my posts sound so melodramatic and angsty, but it’s just the fundamentals of my life right now.
i’m really sick and tired of it actually.
i used to be so good at rising above things and not getting hung up over the little stuff. but lately, it’s like i’m just rolling right along, and hit just a mere crumb in my path and i blast off into space and land about ninety miles from where i took off, dazed and confused and quite disoriented, unsure of how to get back to where i left off from.

this has really got to be about the dumbest thing ever.

i know life is only as bad as you make it… so why am i unable to just step up to the fucking plate and beat the bad crap down?

it’s lame. i feel like there’s so much crap going down right now…and i sit down to think about it, and i’m just stuck. “well, school’s not going so well… and… uh…” i mean i know there is more than that. way more.
but how much of it do i want to talk about? none of it. though i need to. it’s building up… and one of these days it will rocket off like a cork in a bottle of champagne. and it’ll take someone’s eye out. probably mine!

but really, thank god things aren’t as bad as they were before i went into the hospitals. i mean, they’re close, but instead of being so dead serious now they just piss me of a lot and i think it’s funny how stupid everything is. the bottom line, however, is that it’s still driving me nuts and keeping me from feeling as good as i can. that’s shitty.

so i never want to think about the actual crappy things. i mean i can name them off- there’s nothing hardcore that really justifies me whining, but they’re still things i don’t think i really NEED to deal with- there’s just family crap, ’nuff said, alcoholism, trying to quit smoking, sort of wanting to stop using drugs, but not really, trying to get all the homework done, make up the work i missed, do “Hamlet”, do work, keep a social life, get SLEEP, do the art, etc. which means based on time constraints, i have to do about half of these while drunk to fit that in, and it doesn’t work out so hot. could be worse, but i’d rather not have all these obligations when i’m woozy. piled not so neatly on top of this, are of course, the emotional problems and the crap that happened before i was hospitalized.
so to avoid all this, i focus on my “romantic” life. not like i really have one, but romance fits in SOMEwhere in EVERYone’s life, so i focus on that part.
you could call me a [hoplessly failed] romantic. i used to be all hardcore loved out without ever having loved anyone, but as soon as i started getting interested in boys and learning all these “lessons”, the idea of “love” was completely shanked for me. it bled to death in my bed basically and that was that.
i’d rather not reflect on my past romantic endeavors, but i’ll discuss the up-to-date sort of things. oh, and this isn’t just MY romantic life, this is everyone else’s that i’ve been unfortunately dragged into.
scratch that for now. i really don’t want to go into all of it.
i’m slightly confused though, as to what i should do. there’s a 20 year old who wants to go out with me, a “twenty-something” year old who thinks i’m cute that my buddy offered to introduce me to (he’s apparently older than 25, but younger than 30), and then a 17 year old that i’m actually interested in. the verdict still isn’t out on what he thinks about me, but i am sevenfuckingteen! twenty isn’t so bad, but let’s say this other one is about 28. could be worse, and i don’t have a problem with robbing the cradle, but honestly, i think i just need to be on level playing fields with someone for once.
the only thing that keeps me from setting my entire sight on the fellow kid my age is that i don’t want to be shot down… whereas with the other two, they’re interested. but i’m not totally. so i think i’d rather have nothing than have that. but at the same time, i’m so bored being single. it’s not so much i just want something to fuck… i mean i won’t lie, that does play a part, but i’m more interested in getting to know someone right now.
all of my previous relationships have been the results of supposed ‘one-night stands’ and holy hell do we know that those RARELY blow over well. i mean the one night stand part, but a relationship stemming from that… eh. random hook-up does NOT equal a healthy relationship. and i’m just bored. i want something new.
i don’t know what to do. i’m not interested in the twenty year old at all. i might meet the twenty-something year old just to go to the little gathering see what that’s all about, score some ‘hydration’ maybe.
but i think i’ll aim for someone my for once. i hope something works out. i want a distractionnn.
so that’s my whine.